Had been feeling down and much anxiety lately. I thought I had a problem and even wanted to meet a psychiatrist. But the best psychiatrist is still your own family members. I had opened up and discussed my recent problems with my aunt. I thought all these are due to my problems with my parents, as well as the pressure to not make mistakes at work, but unfortunately, it is not. As much as I need to admit it, it is the comments that my gf made about me  through chats and messages that I am slowly losing my dignity, and in the process, I am slowly hurting myself. Whatever my aunt said, it is all spot-on. My aunt met my gf once only, during my brother's 21st birthday, and after that, she had not seen her since. I sweared, whatever comments my gf made about me, my aunt saw it through after I told her my problems, and I had never mentioned to her anything about my gf. It may seems all right at the beginning but the impact is slowly sinking in. Even I didn't realize it until recently when I become short tempered, and pressurized by work, even nothing is pressurizing me.

I began to feel neglected and have mood swing frequently. I began to use games (DotA 2) as a platform to hide away all these hurts, and when I lose that game, that feeling surfaced and I can feel my temper started to rise. Comments such as "You also not as handsome as my friends' bfs" etc, those painful words are like bullets being shot through my inner self. My outer self may seems ok and staying strong, but my inner self? It started to lose to itself. There are many comments that she made, but I guess this is a fatal shot. I mean which guys will able to withstand this fatal blow, and plus, by acting strong on the outside and seems not to care at all, had further worsen the wound. I began to feel insecure, I began to have low self-esteem. I didn't lied to her or anyone, but myself. I kept praising her in front of my family and friends, despite knowing these were not the truths. She didn't know either cos I don't want to lose her. Is like what my aunt said that I love her more than she love me, or rather, I love her but did she even love me for a bit? I am willing to take this torture but for how long more? I bleed even more when each time I lied to myself. I did realized she did treat me as a spare tyre sometimes. All these and everything, I hid it within myself, knowing I cannot tell her or my parents about it. I didn't respond when my aunt pointed all these facts out, but my heart did bleed again. Those painful truths that I knew for a long time and I hid it away, had resurfaced.

My aunt told me that at this prime age and as a man, my career should be listed the top priority. My aunt asked me, "You put her as top priority, but did she do the same?" I didn't respond but I know the answer clearly. I can't even convince myself, how can I convince others? Joke, right?

And one takeaway from the conversation I had with my aunt: ~Work Hard, and Work Smart~. Cos no point you work hard, and people 'stabbing' you from the back and prevent your promotion. If I can give one advice to my gf, I would say, "Rather than to work through the night and failed your exam, which prevent you from promoting, I would rather you passed your exam and if you are not promoted cos of some stupid office politics, time to change course." But I know, she would never listen as she always think that her ways are right.

DarKnight @ 12:44 AM