Thursday, February 8, 2018
Walk On Through The Wind And Rain
It had been 2 months since the breakup, and I am gradually starting to come to terms with it. But nevertheless, I felt betrayed. 2 weeks into the breakup, on the last day of 2017, I found out that she got a new boyfriend. What made it worse is not the fact that she got a new boyfriend, but is the caption, along with the college of photos. "Found my happiness..." So what it means is that when she was with me, she was not happy? She meant to hide it from me but I guess, it was fated for me to see it. Is a sign to tell me all that I had done was not worth it at all. I was angry at that moment. I really felt betrayed. Although she told me later that it was her friend that introduced that guy to her, I really do not know whether to trust her or not. In fact, I knew there were times that she lied to me but I just told myself to trust her. How naive can I be? I wanted to throw all the things that belongs to us, including the keychain, photos and etc, but I did not.
All these feelings of being betrayal, it turned me into someone who I hated a lot. I began to hate myself. That hollow spot in my heart. Recently, I have a feeling for this girl. I do not know if this is cause by that hollow spot, or is it my true feeling for her, anymore. I kept on questioning myself, "Why had I become this way? This is not what I wanted to be!" I struggled. I told everyone what happened and all replies to me were the same, no matter if it is my friends, family or colleagues, "She could have another guy besides you all along." When people asked me why I chose to take ACCA, I could not tell them the real reason was her, so I lied. I told them that it was due to my interest in accounting suddenly. All these while, I realized I was running away from the pain, trying to forget it. I went drinking, singing and laughing with my friends and colleagues, and even took part in events that were organized by NETS (my current workplace) during weekends, played soccer and etc. But whatever it is, I want to turn back to my normal self. That normal self before I met her. Sacrificed so much and yet what I got in return was that sense and feeling of being betrayed. I do not want to know if all these are true or not, but I do know that I want and need to move on and do something for myself again for the first time in 6 years. You know? Like taking care of myself, making myself more happy than before etc.
But I am glad through all these difficult times, I had those that I used to neglect or even turned away from, by my side. My friends, though I somehow ignore them, as soon as they knew about the breakup, they came to accompany me. My family, the ones that I always have quarreled with, was with me during the difficult times. And of course, not to forget my ex-colleagues from SCB, and my soccer teammates. I really appreciate them for being there for me, and I really feel fortunate to know them, though I really felt guilty about it. I need to be strong, and I need to pick up the remaining pieces and move on cos' I know, I will never walk alone.
DarKnight @ 12:52 AM
